The Awkward Leftovers

A good friend and I were recently talking about where we are in our lives, and it got me thinking "Hey I should write a blog about it, other people have to feel like I do". It's about where I am in life, and the various other places people are. As I get older ( I am going to stop sharing my age, seeing as I am about 1/4 dead) everyone around me is doing something. Most of the people  who I grew up with are married, and if they aren't married they are going on Missions for my church. and then there is me.  I don't want to get married right now, I am only twenty... And  even though I think it's so honorary I am just not in a place where I feel like that's right for me. So, where does that leave me? I am in now mans land,  I am the awkward leftovers that no one really knows what to do with. I am the fries that are left in the box after you've eaten the rest of your burger. You don't want to throw me out, but you don't really know about keeping me.

Then there are the people who know me and want the "best" for me. So they are always checking up on me.  I am constantly asked  so are you dating? And when I say no to that people pause and then ask so have you put your mission papers in then? And then I have to say, rather reluctantly that I haven't and I am not sure if I ever will. and then they get this look in their eye. Its a pitying look in their eye, and they awkwardly walk away, unsure what to say.  It's like they don't know that there is more outside of those two things. Or, it's not important enough, to actually care. And, it makes me sad, and also a little bit frustrated. Because I am doing something! Just in case anyone was wondering.  I have a lot going on actually.

 I am looking into international internships!  

I just kicked arse in my last semester of school, getting ridiculously good grades!

I got a job, and i am working 20 hours a week, on top of going to school full time, and I love it!!

I just got a new Wi-Fi enable DVD player, and I am so excited about it!

My baby sister got baptized!!

I found the perfect condo to live in next year!!

I am in love with my FHE family! They make me so happy!!

I have a serious addiction to the cat video called "Grinding the Crack"

I saw Les Mis and cried for 2 hours because of how beautiful it was. 

I failed a test, but for once I didn't have a panic attack about it. I realized that I don't have to be perfect

I guess that news isn't as exciting as mission calls or engagements, but it's my life. It's my failures, and my successes. It's me making my dreams come true.

I guess, what I am trying to say, is I don't want to be discounted. Me, and anyone else in my situation aren't any less important to the world, because we aren't doing one of two things. We are living the way we choose too. And, in all the hype around us of marriage and missions, we are being forgotten. We have voices too, we have believes and knowledge, and we shouldn't be forgotten. We shouldn't be discarded just because we aren't fitting into molds given to us. Because, if you haven't noticed yet, I have never fit into any boxes. I am to claustrophobic.

So, a huge THANK YOU to those who care about me, and take the time to know what is going on in my life, even though I am not doing anything special.

Goodbye 2012!

I don't know about you guys, but I think 2012 was a dark year. I went into it thinking that after the previous year, it couldn't get any worse, but obviously the universe was laughing at me as I thought that. Everything that could go wrong seemed to, I had a break-up that pretty much incapacitated me for six month (I was pathetic I know), my parents moved from my hometown to the worse place on earth (Missouri) I had a not to subtle or quiet emotional break down, I even wear glasses now my eyes gave up on me too! It felt like I spent most of my year either crying or angry, super healthy I know.  However, as I began to reflect on the past year, and the goals I made for the year, I realized that it wasn't all bad, most things aren't. I actually completed most of my goals for the year (Three pounds from the forty I wanted but for all intents and purposes I think I deserve to round up!)

So many things have happened, to get me where I am. I have no date for New Years Eve, something I would have been distraught about before, however now I am ecstatic  to watch Doctor Who into the New Year, surrounded by the not so little kids.  I feel happy with who I am, alone and while I do constantly dream about the Doctor falling in love with me and us running together for the rest of my life, I can handle just being at BYU with my friends, happy to be able to make decisions based on me. I have done things this year that when I made my 2012 bucket list I didn't think I could accomplish but you better bet I did.

Not only that, but I also made a decision, after spending the last 10 years trying to be like all the people around me, good at crafts, perfect cooks, perfectly fit and happy. I decided that I was done. I am done trying to craft, because it is a hell of a lot easier just to buy a damn card and mail it.  I am done pretending that when I grow up I am going to crapbook sorry..scrapbook, or even own a crapbook, or a cricket.. Because, what's the point? I would rather spend my time doing things don't include cutting, because I just can't. I can't cut with scissors, however I am really good with a scalpel no worries. I am not creative enough to make elaborate artwork out of toilet paper rolls, and frankly I think it's disgusting. I guess what I am saying, is I am done pretending that I am going to be this molly mormon, who is looking for a husband and family so I have an excuse to have a horded pile of crapbook supplies. Because, that doesn't make me happy.

 And I think that is the thing, I watch so many people around me be unhappy, hell I was unhappy. I used  to think that if I could just be a little bit more like Matthews mom, I would be one step closer to being the right type of wife, woman, mormon, person, homosapian,etc. If I could fake caring about making cards, crapbook, cooking gourmet meals, being overly involved, being good at photography and to top it off be able to decorate with things I have made from scratch that somehow I would find my happiness, and I would be content to just be. But the truth is the more I tried to do just that, the more depressed I got about my future, was that really what I wanted to do for the rest of my life? And the answer was a huge resounding Hell No. Hell No do I want to cut myself on paper, Hell No I don't want to spend hours in a kitchen making meals, Hell No do I ever plan using toilet paper rolls as art. Just HELL NO. I have so much more to me than that, I have plans and goals, and honestly they created catering for a reason.  I am just not that mold, I am not going to be married at nineteen, nor will I have a baby in my teens. And praise Allah for that, I don't HAVE to do what I don't want to.

So as I shove 2012 out the back door and open the front for 2013, I am excited to see what trials and joys I get in the coming year. It is with a happy heart and a centered soul I begin to save for my trips to France and Portland ;) ,  work my butt off for good grades, make new friend, and cherish the old friendships, I plan on loving every damn moment of my busy life, because this is the time I get to keep learning and growing and discovering more strength in me then I though I could ever have.


Goodbye 2012, thank you for all you have taught me. Now, get the hell out.

Finally

I'm done
My semester is over. And honestly I feel like this:

I can't believe I actually made it through this year! 2012 has been so long and hard, and my soul just feels tired, but at the same time, I am extremely excited. After the last semester of school, where I basically fell apart sitting here with generally good grades, and a trip to see my family in under 24 hours I am SO excited!! My Christmas season has started!! Yay! This means I watch all of the Community, Office, and Doctor Who Christmas episodes!! I am already half way through the Office (haha I have WAY to much time on my hands now!)

I was talking to an old friend a few days ago about life and in the conversation he said  that he "hoped I found something I loved" and my first thought was, "But I have"!How awesome is that??! I mean I know I have talked about it a lot because this blog is kind of like my diary for the universe to read (really I am just writing this so that the doctor can find me and we can travel together).  I just hadn't realized how truly happy I am. Sure people make me angry, and some days are hard but one of my goals for the year was to wake up happy about what I am doing and love my days and I do. I have found a niche and something I enjoy. Not only that, I have also found a group of people I feel comfortable with, and a ward that I can actually sit through (nearly, hey I am working on it). So life is good, I am happy, and  ten months a go I didn't think I would ever be again (I know I am so melodramatic). 
Sorry about my tangent. Christmas/Finals is really what I want to talk about. I am sitting in the computer  lab, pretending to write a paper while secretly laughing at everyone studying, even though  come Monday I am back to studying my french! I get four blissful days, away from the idea of college, and the terror that is in my soul about the classes I am taking next semester (GULP!)

Happy end of the semester to those who are in college, and Happy Holiday season to everyone else! I love you all, and I am so grateful for the readers I have (woo readers!)


Xo

Julia