Willpower

I have never thought I had a "real" vivid imagination. I don't see images in my head the way I suppose others do. Rather I have vivid feelings, and I can hear things (wow now I sound psycho). What I mean is that I can feel the wind off the ocean, and i can taste the salt in the air, I can hear the crash of the waves on the shore, and the call of seagulls, but for the life of me, I can't see it. I want to see it, but I can't. But I have reconciled with myself. I am glad I can feel and taste, and hear, even if I am still blind. I very rarely get into dreams that just feel real. Probably because I am blind. I can always adjust thing, I am always in control. Its a curse, its a blessing.
Willpower, is extremely difficult for me. I don't like waiting, and I don't like not getting what I want. If I want a Pepsi, I want it now, not in five minutes, not in ten minutes now. I guess that is another one of my fatal flaws (along with Vanity). I have no patience. The Lord and I have been working on it for a long time. Sometimes I pray so hard for something, and I don't get what I want. I want to curse everything, I want to turn my back. Yet, somehow if I have the willpower to wait. Everything turns out fabulous in the end. For example Walla Walla.
I loved Gig Harbor, absolutely. I never wanted to leave. Why would I? I was in one of the best schools in Washington State. I had the best friends, and a great ward. I was with people I had gone to middle school, and I had a Target. Yet somehow the Lord knew that I needed to be in Walla Walla. I begged and pleaded, how could I leave everything I had worked for? So, I hated Walla Walla simply for existing. Life still went on, I just tried to live it as little as possible. I hated the town, the house, the people, the school, everything. I found no happiness anywhere. The Lord though, knew it was what I needed. I got good friends, people I truly enjoy, and someone I never thought I would find. I excepted at a young age that I was always to be the best friend. I was not what the average boy found pretty, I was just me. I accepted that, with a few broken hearts, and dashed dreams. At first Walla Walla seemed as though it would be the same. I was just the girl they turned to, for a movie night, or occasional just friends and never anything more dates. As always I accepted my fate and moved on, what more could I do? I still prayed, and I still got no at every turn. I watched as my friends had relationships that came and went, and yet I was still just the friend. I got lucky I suppose. Somehow someone did find me special. He, made me realize I could be more than just me. No one understands how truly he saved me. He made me realize I was worth being more then the best friend who is just there, always there. More then the girl who encourages her friends when she feels like she is dying inside. And for the first time in a long time, the Lord gave me a yes. A resounding yes. It hasn't been easy, and there are a fair share of problems. Yet every time I get frustrated, or worried. I can still feel the yes. I suppose I just got way off what I wanted to say. Willpower, the willpower to wait is the most excruciating and upsetting process ever, and yet I have learned that waiting is well worth it. My imagination, although limited has helped me through a lot. When I need to go to the beach just the ability to hear the sounds, or feel the water (wow I really do sound crazy! Oh well...) has helped me. And the ability to have willpower, with the help of an imagination, will help anyone to get the resounding yes. The feeling of true happiness. Not a happily ever after, that doesn't come for a long time, but the happy you can have, even when there are still trials in your life, is well worth the wait.

Drama. lil' Momma

Sometimes being a girl rocks. Most of the time though, it is just hectic and ridiculous. There is so much to deal with. Boys, social pressure, emotions, and GIRLS. I have always been one to have a good girl friend and a ton of boy friends. I, will admit before I go into my lecture mode, that sometimes I am just as bad, but... regardless. Lets take girls A,C, K, M, and J. A and J get invited to go to M's house. J and M don't get along like the best of friends, but they are okay with each other. So M decides that she is going to invite C and K too. WHy not they are friends right? No because girls have issues. Let me introduce N, X. N doesn't like M, and they just don't do things. N had a relationship with M's sibling D, which didn't end well, and as part of the result M and N just stay away from each other. X is friends with C and K, but not with A, J, N,D (who isn't involved because he is a guy), or M. Back to my story. So C and K get mad because N and X aren't invited. Now this is where I get confused. N doesn't like M so why would it matter if she was invited? And X isn't friends with M so why should M invite X if they don't know each other, and they need a relationship? I don't know. C and K just seem a little to sensitive for my taste. When you ask C or K why it even matters K will give you a dirty look and say and I quote " It was on Facebook". Since when is Facebook, the supreme ruler of the the universe? If you have a problem with something someone writes on a wall, or puts as a status. Don't be friends with them. Look I just solved the whoooollle issue. I think that C, K, and M should just leave each other alone. But let me introduce a new problem. C, K, and M are the possy. The Possy moves together, and generally thinks together like a giant blob, or amoeba. So if 2/3rd of the possy gets mad the whole system falls apart. So the drama has to blow over, and... Well go into remission until someone else gets mad...
Sigh Drama is the downfall of life. Like the boys who sit at my lunch table say. I am moving to Hermitsville. Sometimes living in Walla Walla is much to stressful.
On a brighter note. My horrible Chem homework is over, and I just have a little amount left.

The Last Song.

I saw the last song today. I admit I bawled, I don't know what it is. Maybe it is the true love, maybe its the death. I love the idea, the finding someone you love. Sometimes I do believe I have. Its hard to know though? How can you plan for such a vast future?
Thank Heavens for my Young Women leader. I love her to death. She is an outside perspective. I get so stressed about everything, and I suppose that will be my downfall. I want to be perfect, but like Hanna Montana said " Nobody's perfect". Oh how I wish I was nobody! I am reading the Percy Jackson series right now. It is my escape from reality. It helps me to run away to a world, more complex, but with different problems than my own.
I don't know what else to say, it is probably annoying the constant updates, but then I remember, no one is reading this!! On to my chemistry, which isn't going to get all the way done before it is due. Oh well...

Just Tired

So, I finally started on my chemistry, wooohoo.... I have spent the last 2 and a half hours and yet I still feel like I am even more confused and have less done then I did when I started. Its frustrating to be average. I seem to get to tired now a days. My endless energy is running out. I feel older, I have never really said that before. I mean if I look back I feel it, but I feel like a different person then I was six months ago, even three months ago. My mind is constantly plagued with College, and how worried I am about everything.
Sometimes I feel like just, giving up. Every time I contemplate it I think about those whose who doubt me. Whenever I hear someone say "Oh you will be the first to be married" thats when I recommit. I may never be everything I want to be. Things I have always wanted, i don't want as much anymore, but on the opposite side, there are many things that I do want. For example for the first time, I want to get married. Before all I ever wanted was a career and to be independent. Family could wait. Now I find myself longing for a family. Not just a husband, but a family. I want to be able to sit down and have family home evening and scripture reading. I want to sit in a row at church and be able to look at my kids sleeping or coloring.
I haven't lost sight of some of my goals though. I want to be a doctor, and the vain side of me wants to make a ton of money. I want to be able to buy what I want, shop wherever I want, and go wherever I want. I use to want to be able to say, my children have never been to Wal-Mart. I now understand how, vain that was. I have always wanted to be better then people, I would say its my biggest sin. I have somewhat calmed down a bit, I don't mind Wal-Mart, I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with shopping there.
I have such defined ways of thinking, and I know exactly what I want. I always have. I think my way is the best way, always. I suppose that is also a flaw, but yet I find myself glad of it. It causes problems, I have a difficult time with people who don't do what I think is right. I really am always right. The End. And yet I find myself second guessing ever choice I make. I don't second guess what I say to others, and it sometimes makes things worse. I have this nasty ability to alienate myself, because of my honesty. I have a hard time liking people, I have friends and I like people, but at the same time I get overly annoyed. But I am deviating from what I was getting at. My distinct thinking. I feel bad for whoever marries me, honest. I want things done a certain way. I don't want to ever take trash out, and I want help with babies at night (preferably them taking total care of them). I would love someone who likes to cook sometimes, and someone who will do dishes with me. I want to be adored in all honesty, but I want to adore too. I don't want loud fights, I don't want fights at all. I want discussions. I am bad at that, I always just get loud I don't want to though.
Outside of marriage, I have so much to do. I don't want to fall into a mold, I don't want to be the perfect Mormon, I want to be individual. I am scared that someday I will realize that I will be everything I am scared of. I want to be able to take chances, I want to live my life. I want to travel, I want to go everywhere. The list of places gets longer and longer everyday. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to be at the end of my days and realize that I did something. Even if it is just travel.
Well, back to chemistry I suppose. I know no one is reading this but it makes me feel better

After this glorious spring break we just had, it is time to go back to school. My first day was like most first days after spring break. Useless. My Chemistry teacher, who I am sure is out to get me, gave us an additional 168 problems to do, Woohoo... That class makes me feel like I am drowning and on fire at the same time. The moment I almost understand something, he makes it harder, or we switch topics. It makes me question whether I really am good at anything. I never excel I just do okay. I always thought I was above average, super human. My parents always told me how good I did, how much I know. Now though, I am questioning. Take for example Net Ionic Equations, easy right? But all I can do is get started. It makes me stressed.
On another note. I have found something, a new hobby. I have started playing with photography. I have never been very good at drawing or anything, but I love messing with pictures. I think I have always seen things in the world different then other poeple, but now I have found a way to make it into art. I am working on a couple things from spring break. Some are shown on the sight, but I have a new one. posted above. It started as a picture of twigs in the snow, and somehow I morphed it. I don't know if I am any good... I love doing it though. I love seeing the final product from the original. I feel an artistic high almost.
well I suppose I should go do my Chemistry. It makes me miserable but I need it right?

A New Phase

Life changes. We all know that. As I come to my last quarter in my junior year in high school so much is changing.

What do I do now? I have almost completed all my senior year work, and yet the likelihood of me ever graduating with my High School is little to none.

Summer is coming. The last summer I will spend as a child. The second to last with my family, as a child living in the house. How daunting it is to me that I am starting on my rounds of lasts. My last year of girls camp. my last high school year. My last year at home. How did it all come about so soon? I can still remember my first day in public school. I can remember the butterflies I felt as I walked into Mrs. McCauskey's room. I remember the exact position of my desk sitting next to Mick, and across from Josh. I can remember my first day at Kopachuck Middle School as a sixth grader, I remember shadowing Hailey and sitting in Mrs. McCausland's math class next to Isabelle. I remember my First day of High School. Walking up to Charles Wright Academy and realizing I still had four years. And yet those years have passed so quick. Here I stand. Almost done. How did it happen so quick? I will never know.

New choices are ahead of me. How to live my life. How am I suppose to make these decisions? I am to young. I need another 10 years... Maybe 20.

College is first, how to decide where to go. There are so many to choose from, and yet... I feel like maybe I should play it safe... Maybe BYU is where I will go. I feel like maybe I have to. Maybe its just where I must go. But yet... How did I become this. The normal mormon kid. my whole life I spent saying, BYU? Never. Utah? Never. And yet I feel like maybe, just maybe that is what I am going to end up doing.

Other less important things are on my mind though. Normal, teenage things. Why do I get so upset when people don't do what is right, or rather what I think is right. Why do I get so picky about people, why can't we just get along? I remember when Tad use to say all the time. WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET ALONG!? I would just laugh and say, life sucks. Now though I ask the same thing. Why can't she and I get along. Why can't I just be good enough? Why? I suppose the answers will for now be unknown to me. Hopefully someday though, I will know.