Just Tired

So, I finally started on my chemistry, wooohoo.... I have spent the last 2 and a half hours and yet I still feel like I am even more confused and have less done then I did when I started. Its frustrating to be average. I seem to get to tired now a days. My endless energy is running out. I feel older, I have never really said that before. I mean if I look back I feel it, but I feel like a different person then I was six months ago, even three months ago. My mind is constantly plagued with College, and how worried I am about everything.
Sometimes I feel like just, giving up. Every time I contemplate it I think about those whose who doubt me. Whenever I hear someone say "Oh you will be the first to be married" thats when I recommit. I may never be everything I want to be. Things I have always wanted, i don't want as much anymore, but on the opposite side, there are many things that I do want. For example for the first time, I want to get married. Before all I ever wanted was a career and to be independent. Family could wait. Now I find myself longing for a family. Not just a husband, but a family. I want to be able to sit down and have family home evening and scripture reading. I want to sit in a row at church and be able to look at my kids sleeping or coloring.
I haven't lost sight of some of my goals though. I want to be a doctor, and the vain side of me wants to make a ton of money. I want to be able to buy what I want, shop wherever I want, and go wherever I want. I use to want to be able to say, my children have never been to Wal-Mart. I now understand how, vain that was. I have always wanted to be better then people, I would say its my biggest sin. I have somewhat calmed down a bit, I don't mind Wal-Mart, I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with shopping there.
I have such defined ways of thinking, and I know exactly what I want. I always have. I think my way is the best way, always. I suppose that is also a flaw, but yet I find myself glad of it. It causes problems, I have a difficult time with people who don't do what I think is right. I really am always right. The End. And yet I find myself second guessing ever choice I make. I don't second guess what I say to others, and it sometimes makes things worse. I have this nasty ability to alienate myself, because of my honesty. I have a hard time liking people, I have friends and I like people, but at the same time I get overly annoyed. But I am deviating from what I was getting at. My distinct thinking. I feel bad for whoever marries me, honest. I want things done a certain way. I don't want to ever take trash out, and I want help with babies at night (preferably them taking total care of them). I would love someone who likes to cook sometimes, and someone who will do dishes with me. I want to be adored in all honesty, but I want to adore too. I don't want loud fights, I don't want fights at all. I want discussions. I am bad at that, I always just get loud I don't want to though.
Outside of marriage, I have so much to do. I don't want to fall into a mold, I don't want to be the perfect Mormon, I want to be individual. I am scared that someday I will realize that I will be everything I am scared of. I want to be able to take chances, I want to live my life. I want to travel, I want to go everywhere. The list of places gets longer and longer everyday. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to be at the end of my days and realize that I did something. Even if it is just travel.
Well, back to chemistry I suppose. I know no one is reading this but it makes me feel better