I'm Coming Out

            Today I am coming out of the closet. I am a Feminist. I have known for a long time, I had feminist tendencies, but as I am starting my new life, I feel like it’s time to make it official.

I was raised by a Canadian Mother and a Ghanaian Father, I am the eldest of six kids. My parents instilled in me confidence, and I learned that my gender and my color did not define me.  My parents would probably never define themselves as feminist, but they really are.  I was raised to believe that everyone was equal, and that was just how the world worked.

            When I turned fifteen I moved to Walla Walla, Washington.  This is where I first realized that not all people were treated the same –and the world was not like the family I was in which I was raised.  It was expected of me to go to BYU-Idaho, find my soul mate in September, get married in December and be pregnant by April. While this was the ideal for many people that I knew in that small town, this did not fit with what I wanted for my life.

            I went to BYU and it solidified what I already knew, that I am different. Each day I realized with more clarity how different I was then the majority of female students there the problem was, the longer I was there the more I wanted to be like them—those girls with the long blond ponytails, and perfect complexions.

It’s hard to describe why I even cared, I’m not sure I've processed it all yet. All I knew is that I would never have a long blond ponytail (and by long blonde ponytail I mean the perfect outfit, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect figure and the “perfect” color) there was a yearning within me for something greater.

You know it’s amazing what television can do.  Specifically what Doctor Who can do. Mock me all you want too the Doctor is amazing. He takes these women, and shows them the world, and each woman reacts differently. Some fall in love with him, some leave him, and some depart his company due to circumstances beyond their.  Each of these women do great things. One creates an organizations that protect the world, one got married, and one course of history by turning left.  They were different sizes, different colors, and beautifully unique.  As I experienced Doctor Who, I saw what women could be. I saw the potential I had within me, and I saw that a man, even the greatest man, cannot define who I am. And that is when I started to seek out people who think like me.

Long story short, I am a feminist. I am feminist because gender does not define ability.  I am a feminist because I want my children to grow up in the world where culture does not define what they want to be.  I am a feminist because I believe woman can chose to become anything.

“I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath; scared to rock the boat and make a mess so I sat quietly, agreed politely. I  guess I forgot I had a choice, I let you push me past my breaking point, I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything.  You held me down, but I got up, already brushing off the dust, you held me down, but I got up, get ready cause I’ve had enough. I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire, cause I am a champion and you’re going to hear me ROAR”

Chaos

Chaos, is a funny thing, people everywhere try so hard to avoid it. People go to such extremes to get out of chaotic events, and I am the opposite, I cherish it.  Anyone who knows my family knows that we thrive in chaos.  With eight people in my family, there is always SOMETHING going on. We are loud, and over the top. We cry loud, we laugh loud, and we love loud!  In my house someone, is always touching you, with their sticky fingers, or yelling to close to your ears or spilling their sandwich crumbs down your shirt. It sounds crazy and maybe a little uncomfortable at first, my family welcomes everyone and loves everyone. When I was in High School our house always had a guest in it, granted it was normally one of my friends from high school, but our door was always open.  My friends just walked in, and my mom always made enough dinner to ensure that if a guest stopped by, or if we found a homeless person we wanted to invite for dinner, they had a spot and a meal.  I love it, I love the chaos of my house, I love walking in and seeing toys strewn all over the floor, the backpacks of all of our friends strewn across the floor, and the ten or twelve ramen packets by the stove, because it was Wednesday, and that is what my mom would let us eat. Our house always had crumbs on the counter,  a towel on the floor in the bathroom, and a lot of loud singing. We had a holes in our walls (cough* nick* cough),  and you could guarantee that you would find food somewhere it shouldn’t be (like the entertainment center, seriously Eliza!)

As my family gets older, and we move away from the sticky fingers, and the babies climbing all over us I find myself missing those moments of chaos. Where Eliza was drawing on me with her chocolate covered fingers, while Bonnie “braided” my hair, and Jonathan and Jeremy argued about Pokémon in my ears. That little bit of chaos that was so fleeting is gone now, replaced by silly kisses, loud laughter at the dinner table over something Justin said, and the occasional drama from our “brain tumors”.  I love the chaos in my life, without it; there would be too much silence, to many moments that aren’t filled with true joy.

This is why I love Portland.  I love sitting and having chaos around me. I love the loud people, the crazy people, and the sheer noise. It makes me think of home.  I love feeling like things are just barely under control.   I love that people are welcome to be whoever they are, the good, and the bad. I love that for once in my life I don’t stand out as the loudest, or the craziest, just like at home. Everyone has their own chaos within them, and together we create a hive, each world briefly touching as we pass one another.  A look, a smile, or a shared eye roll, we each interact with each other contributing the each other’s chaotic world. I think it is a beautiful thing.  Silence and stillness has a place within each person, but it is chaos that brings me alive.

I Love You Like a Love Song, Baby.

Today was my last full day in Provo. I wasn't expecting this to come so fast, yet here I sit in my nearly empty half of my half of the room,  after tomorrow I will have no house, and as of yesterday at 1 PM I had no job. I just can't believe it. I just spent a wonderful day running errand, annoying, and laughing with a person who once was a stranger who I didn't want to be friends with because I was determined to hate Utah. Today I just want to publicly thank her for truly being the best roommate, and friend I could have ever have.

Sarah and I wereroomies in the terrible yet forever memorable Penrose 89. I like to believe that she and I had an instant connection because we are both from Washington ( opposite corners), but really I think it was just because we both couldn't handle the crazy b-ness of some of our dear roommates (none of whom I now speak to naturally).

Sarah is and was my greatest beacon of hope in Utah, together we forged a path that included fatty foods( CHOCOLATE DOMES FOR THE WIN!!!) and lots of slightly inapropro movies (okay for Utah at least).  

With Sarah I feel like I can be myself, which while I lived in Utah was not easy to say about many people. She is just so kind and loving that it is hard not to feel comfortable around her, not to mention she has a wicked sense of humour, and honestly I don't go a day without her making me laugh out loud, often with tears involved because she is just so damn funny. 

When I had my mental breakdown Freshman year, Sarah was there the whole time, letting me know that it was okay that I kept crying, and constantly supplying good movies and way to much Creamery ice cream (really why do they put them so close to Freshman housing!?) She put up with Doctor Who, the crying at anything, and was always willing to drag me out of bed so that I would make our tap class on Tuesdays and Thursday (which some weeks were the only classes I went to) She stood by me, always a rock and always so kind and gentle, but giving me the kick in the pants I needed to suck it up. 

Sarah has been my saviour and I am so sad to leave her, she has become and essential part of my life. I love waking up every morning to her phone going of three times (Doom,Horror, and Death), and our nearly naked Fridays (okay that never happened but whatever). I will miss our bejewbom meetings (okay that only happened once but we will always be bejewbom sisters). And just being with her even when we aren't doing anything but groaning like David After the Dentist because we are so bored. 

She is like the white twin sister that I never had.  I will miss watching movies with her, stressing out about crap together, driving around, eating domes. I will miss pointless target runs, singing horrible at the top of our lungs to all sorts of mass produced pop crap ( SOMEBODY!!!!!!) doing the dance of my people, and just the constant laughter that I have had for the last two years.

Sarah  I love you! I love you I love you I love you! Thank you, thank you so much for being there for me when I felt abandoned. Thank you for making me laugh,and for letting me cry. Thank you for singing sexy back, awkward dancing, and crawling into my bed when i just needed someone (in a totally non-weird way).  I will miss the home we built together, and letting me know that when I get home I will have someone there for me! 

Ah!! I am crying and hiding it from you because you're sitting in the room! Thank you Muffin Jiggly Puff Alice the Snot-Nosed Monkey King Kong McGrip McCarrey, for being the best roommate anyone anywhere has ever had in the history of the world. You are my favorite part of Utah and my BYU experience and the part I will miss the absolute most. Thank you for being my Goonie forever, and the only person I would ever truffle shuffle for!

E-Comm and Carry On

Today, as we celebrate our beautiful nation, I thought I should finally pay tribute to the place I work. BYU E-Commerce Department, and everything it has... taught me? I am preparing to leave Utah for good, and part of leaving is leaving my job. I didn't think I would be sad about it, but the more I think about it, the sadder I get. The people I work(ed) with have taught me a lot... A LOT for example. We shouldn't dress up as the Taliban yet, because it is still "too soon".  I have learned how to work with people who make me laugh everyday, and still get work done. I have learned that if you don't like sloths  something you should never let it be known, otherwise they will do everything possible to make you uncomfortable.

Yep this guy could work at E-Comm

 The people in E-Commerce are the most funny and truly American people I have ever met. Don't you dare diss on our good old 'Murica otherwise they will cut you. No joke they will just take you and cut you, believe you me, I am as you know a Washington Supremacist and a Francophone, however every time I try to say anything about how France is obviously the  superior country because ummm.... formage.

They have shown me some of the very best YouTube videos, for example prancercise 

Before I worked at E-Commerce I honestly had no idea what E-Commerce actually was. Because you readers probably don't know what E-Commerce is, I have found a definition via Google for your: 

"Electronic commerce, commonly known as e-commerce or eCommerce, or e-business

 consists of the buying and selling of products or services..."

Sometimes, things are boring, but let me  tell you I love those people.  When I first started there I never thought that I would really love them, sorry guys. But E-Commerce has taken me in, and has been truly one of the places I enjoy the most in Utah. I love that we are a place that we can all be our own kind of weird and we all accept each other. I love the Texans who are crazy, I love the people who are there with me in the early morning when I am a grumpy grump. I love the rest of the Holy Brown Trinity, I love the people that I worked on the evening shift with, and I love my bosses and how they encourage us to be ourselves. I am so grateful that I had the wonderful opportunity to work with these people, the ones who are there and they ones who have left. Thank you for letting me be my crazy blackself. For taking my black jokes in stride, and my jew jokes... And my every other weird/borderline jokes. I love love love you.  You will always have a special E-Commerce part in my heart! 

Awards

My Dear Friend Lisa nominated me for an award, but I have been so busy that I haven't gotten around to it. I felt very honoured, so here we go (on my break from work none the less).I am suppose to nominate other bloggers for the award and in addition I am supposed to give you ten random facts about myself.

 For both awards I nominate Cat
 her blog the Angst Muffin is really the most amazing thing I read, she cracks me up and I love following her life.





Sadly besides Diary of a Square-Toothed Girl and Angst Muffin, I really don't read many more blogs,BUT! I do have some facts about me ( and they might even be things y'all don't know about me)...

1. I love Star Trek, like LOVE it, and now that Benedict is in it SA-WOON!
2. I love reading (okay everyone knows that), but this summer the stack by my bed is even bigger than ever!!
3.  I LOVE Dystopian Novels Hunger Games,  Uglies, Divergent (my newest love), and not so dystopian but the same feel the Gone Series. I just get WAY to sucked into them!
4. I love Kitchen Nightmares and Chef Ramsey. I love Chef Ramsey, like for reals if I could meet any person on Earth, I used to think that I wanted to meet David Tennant, but now I think I want to meet  Chef Ramsey, he really is just the bomb!
5. I was awake when they took out my wisdom teeth, and I haven't been the same since.
6. I currently have six bank accounts, but I can't remember the pin for four of them...
7. One of the most used words in my vocabulary is Truck. As in Mother Trucker, Trucking Awesome, WHAT THE TRUCK. I am Trucking Pissed, etc,etc.
8. My secret obsession is ...is... The Kardashians. I am obsessed with them, for reals. I will drop nearly anything (except maybe Doctor Who). I just love them and their lives... How trashy it is!
9.  I am also super obsessed with Slurpees, I made the worse decision moving close to a Seven-Eleven, because now all I do is drink them.. ALL THE TIME
10. Finally, I love sleeping in made beds ,granted I never make my bed, but I love it anyway....


Thats all folks!!

My Greatest Hero

As you all know, today is Mothers Day, so I would like to make a tribute to my mother.

 My mother is the most amazing person I know. She is my greatest hero. She is a beacon of light to me. She is the strongest personI know, and I can only wish to be half the woman she is. 

My mum has taught me so much, even beyond the normal, how to walk, how to talk, eat, etc. She is one of the funniest people I know... Okay maybe not so much, but she thinks shes hilarious so that is close enough... I always laugh.... Even though she normally has to make us laugh... She's taught me to love old movies, and now every time I see Cary Grant my heart stops.  She has taught me how to annoy the crap out of someone in the morning, I swear even now I can hear her singing at the top of her lungs in the morning to get me up. "Good Morning Good Morning you slept the whole night through, good morning good morning to youu!!!!" She has taught me how to properly watch movies in the theater (Back Row Middle), even if it means getting there 45 minutes early. She taught me how to properly prepare for Sundays. One must always have Potato Chips, Chocolate and Diet Coke (With WAY to much ice), it is the only way to stay sane. She loves me too, enough to sit through episode after episode of  Barney, Arthur, and Doctor Who.  She has guided me through my many "ailments" from thinking I had Lupus to Cancer (in nearly every form), she has always been there to tell me to shut up and stop being silly ;).  

Outside of silly things, my mother has guided me with a normally quiet voice to make the right decisions. She has lifted me up and always supported me in my decisions even when she has not been happy about my decisions. She has loved me in a quiet (and sometimes not quiet way), She has helped me find my way in the world. She has always been there when I need her the most. She installed in me many of my greatest attributes in life, my love for the gospel, my love for reading, and my determination. She has taught me that I am worth so much, and that I should only strive for the best.  

I love this woman more than anything, I am so very proud of her, and I am so glad that I could be raised by this wonderful woman.

Happy Mothers Day Mum

!

When You Lose Your Marbles.

Here is a little disclaimer right now. I am pissed. Really pissed. So good luck.

 I have been living with the same three girls for the last two years and I have a few things I have come in contact with some things I didn't know existed until recently.

                                              1. Blond Hair Spider (blondushairaranae)

Yes, you got it, that is a Blonde Hair Spider, a rare species in many part of the world, Hair Spider is an abundant species in my house. They sneak up on you where you least expect the, The Kitchen, behind the T.V and most shockingly in bra's and underwear. How they get there no one knows. Famous spider scientist Gaylord Hammer has postulated that they do in fact have teleporting abilities, and thus are able to begin to bother you at the weirdest moments until you pull a Blond Hair Spider out of your butt crack in the middle of work, wondering how in the hell it got there in the first place. 

2. Odoriferous Canal 

Like many canals around the world, Odoriferous Canal is named after it's most notable feature. This canal has over time had a build up of left over egg bits, spinach, and mushrooms. That have built up until the system was unable to take it any longer and has refused like me, to have to deal with shit any longer. It smells like a combination of rotting meat, rotten eggs, and a bad case of diarrhea that was left in an diaper overnight. And yes in case you were wondering this is a clean day dishes wise. 

3. Blondus Fungi

 This species is very rare but extremely potent. It seemingly multiplies over night and brings with it a bluish gel that some researchers have said looks, taste, and feels like toothpaste. It is found in sinks, primarily ones that have no running water due to a plumbing problems. No matter what you use to remove it, it still seems to show back up within twenty four hours with a few thousand of it's friends. It has many side effects not limited to decreased appetite, irrational anger, decreased sexual drive,thoughts of murder,  insomnia, and erectile dysfunctions

4. Oatmeal

This little bugger is a well known food that is enjoyed my many mammals. Many enjoy it with brown sugar or  cinnamon. However, oatmeal is a true menace to society. Many have used it for decorating, "What!?" you may ask yourself "Who the Hell would use Oatmeal?!" and the answer is people who are tacky. Yep you heard that right. And when their roommate finally get's sick of their vase (pronounced VAUSE because it was freakin' expensive) being filled with oats and fake flowers she throws  fit during General Conference and  dumps them into a plastic bag and doesn't care that there are now oats allover the floor. She then being so impassioned about stupidity spends the subsequent hours throwing her stuff into boxes so that others won't  ruin her things with oats. 

I am counting the days until Sarah and I get the hell out of here. I never thought that I would be so uncomfortable to be in my house that I feel the need to hide to be safe from roommates. I never thought I would live in a house that looks like a hoarders home. I never thought that I would be so angry that my kitchen smells like death, that I would consider pulling a Thomas Monson and burning down my apartment. And I never thought I would be so excited to move three blocks.

Get Me the Hell Out of Here 

The Awkward Leftovers

A good friend and I were recently talking about where we are in our lives, and it got me thinking "Hey I should write a blog about it, other people have to feel like I do". It's about where I am in life, and the various other places people are. As I get older ( I am going to stop sharing my age, seeing as I am about 1/4 dead) everyone around me is doing something. Most of the people  who I grew up with are married, and if they aren't married they are going on Missions for my church. and then there is me.  I don't want to get married right now, I am only twenty... And  even though I think it's so honorary I am just not in a place where I feel like that's right for me. So, where does that leave me? I am in now mans land,  I am the awkward leftovers that no one really knows what to do with. I am the fries that are left in the box after you've eaten the rest of your burger. You don't want to throw me out, but you don't really know about keeping me.

Then there are the people who know me and want the "best" for me. So they are always checking up on me.  I am constantly asked  so are you dating? And when I say no to that people pause and then ask so have you put your mission papers in then? And then I have to say, rather reluctantly that I haven't and I am not sure if I ever will. and then they get this look in their eye. Its a pitying look in their eye, and they awkwardly walk away, unsure what to say.  It's like they don't know that there is more outside of those two things. Or, it's not important enough, to actually care. And, it makes me sad, and also a little bit frustrated. Because I am doing something! Just in case anyone was wondering.  I have a lot going on actually.

 I am looking into international internships!  

I just kicked arse in my last semester of school, getting ridiculously good grades!

I got a job, and i am working 20 hours a week, on top of going to school full time, and I love it!!

I just got a new Wi-Fi enable DVD player, and I am so excited about it!

My baby sister got baptized!!

I found the perfect condo to live in next year!!

I am in love with my FHE family! They make me so happy!!

I have a serious addiction to the cat video called "Grinding the Crack"

I saw Les Mis and cried for 2 hours because of how beautiful it was. 

I failed a test, but for once I didn't have a panic attack about it. I realized that I don't have to be perfect

I guess that news isn't as exciting as mission calls or engagements, but it's my life. It's my failures, and my successes. It's me making my dreams come true.

I guess, what I am trying to say, is I don't want to be discounted. Me, and anyone else in my situation aren't any less important to the world, because we aren't doing one of two things. We are living the way we choose too. And, in all the hype around us of marriage and missions, we are being forgotten. We have voices too, we have believes and knowledge, and we shouldn't be forgotten. We shouldn't be discarded just because we aren't fitting into molds given to us. Because, if you haven't noticed yet, I have never fit into any boxes. I am to claustrophobic.

So, a huge THANK YOU to those who care about me, and take the time to know what is going on in my life, even though I am not doing anything special.