This is the story all about how my life got flip turned upside down...

"“Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along.” -Rae Smith 

I finally have time to blog. I thought that going to school was the hardest on my blogging, until I started working. I work 3-4 days a week, which shouldn't be that bad, but they are 12 hour shifts... That alternate from days to nights...So, when I am not at work I am sleeping, or watching Doctor Who (hey, like I said before no judging).  I have had something on my mind for a while, and I finally have the time to say it (Hello, week off!!)

Here's the thing. I am a passionate person... Don't believe me? Listen

After a huge debacle on Facebook involving gay rights (which is a discussion for a later day) I was ranting in 

my kitchen, and one of my lovely roommates looked at me and said " I just love how passionate you are about things"

I had a teacher in high school tell me that "my passion overflowed when ever I wrote"

And then  couple days ago Sarah and I were having a discussion with a girl from work, and being me I got really into it and the girl turned to me and goes "you are really passionate about things aren't you?"

So, I get it, I am passionate about things, everything, and everyone. If I love you  I LOVE YOU, if I hate you  I UTTERLY DESPISE YOUR SOUL. I just don't seem to have an in between bone in my body. And for the most part it has done me well in life. I never war very much with myself on my position in life, I just know:

I hate Mushrooms

I love Doctor Who

I hate nasty gross Okra

I love Diet Pepsi

I hate Rebecca Black

I love Jason Mraz

 And because of that, people have been the same way about me. I have heard many times, over the course of my life, that I am one of "those people" who people either like or they hate, people can't just sort of like me. 

 just on a tangent can I tell you how much I HATE being lumped in with other people as one of "those people" I am not "those people" I am me, damn you! 

Anyway. It got me thinking. I had a boyfriend for  nearly 2 and a half years, most of my high school experience. When we broke up. I was a mess. Ask anyone who knew me, I didn't function like a normal human being for a long time. I threw my whole person into something else (namely Doctor Who). I lied to myself and said that I was okay, and the poor people around me had to deal with some serious mood swings ( I am so sorry Sarah, Emily and Kirsten).  It was like, I had lost who I was. I had been Julia and Matt for so long, that I had let it define me, and all of the sudden I wasn't that anymore. My life got flip turned upside down. And, it was the best thing that has happened to me. Suddenly the plan I had for life changed, it was empty and new I could literally do or be anyone I wanted to be. So naturally I had no idea what that was. Sure the basics where the same. I want to be a doctor, I want to be a traveler (no not a gypsy one), I want to be a mom, and a wife. But outside of that my life was free. I wasn't just Julia and Matt. So. What was I going to be? Now I realize how dramatic that sounds, but hey I am a dramatic and passionate person! Okay, so where am I going with this? 

I read a book.  

Nothing new I know, but  I read a book. 

And this book changed my life.

Now, it wasn't well written, it wasn't the perfect book, I couldn't even read half of it because it was extremely graphic. But it changed my life none the less. The main character, and her beau, have this passion for each other. They needed and loved and wanted each other in a way, that I had never dreamed possible. It scared me, and it excited me, and it gave me hope. See, I had given up part of the passion I wanted in life, to be Julia and Matt. Now, this isn't about Matt, it isn't his fault at all, he is a wonderful person, and was exactly what I needed,  and I am sure he will be someones passionate, he just wasn't MINE, and this is my blog, so I can say whatever I want.   I found a niche where I was comfortable and happy and I figured that was all I needed in life to be comfortable. But, that just isn't me is it? I am a person who gets overly excited to find out that a movie theater has Diet Pepsi in it instead of nast-Diet Coke. I nearly pass out when I find a store in Missouri that carries evil eyes, and wrap pants for that matter. I am over exasperated at the ridiculous heat in Hell, I mean Missouri, no actually I mean Hell. I am overly excited by new songs, and TV shows. I literally jump for joy, and every tear is a waterfall (see what I did there? I am listening to Coldplay can you tell?) So why in the world would I settle for comfortable? 

The truth is. I want it all I want the moon and stars and every bit of space between. I want the electric charge I see between some of the couples I know,for example my good friend Square Toothed Girl and her Mountain Man. They are like a couple in their first year of marriage, all sorts of in love.  And, that's what I want. Yes, I do realize life gets hard, and people grow old, and life changes, but is it wrong for me to want that?

No, I don't think so.

The book, it also made me sit back and look at myself, and figure out where I wanted to be.

I have had to do a lot of this lately, figuring out who I want to be. Because my life is so drastically different then it was one year ago. And, things have turned out way different then I thought the would. And I have had to try and find myself in the midst of it all...

And, can I say I am happy about who I found.

I have spent most of my life hating who I am, and everything about myself.  And like I said in a previous post I wasn't happy. And, now I am.

I have accepted myself passionate bits, crazy bits,  the whole shebang (I have just really wanted to say that in a post).  And it is great. Because I am not thinking only about making myself perfect for a husband, or to fit into the mold that my religious community has for me. Instead I am finding the things that make me the person I want to be. I decided I am going to become independently wealthy, soI am going to work for the goal. I have decided that I am going to live in Seattle, and i am going to work my hardest to get there. And I have decided to wait to find a person who is my perfect passion. If that means I wait 3 years, 10 years or 6 months (let us pray it isn't that one),  I will wait. I know that music is a passion for me, I love it all, so I am getting back into listening to classical music, and finding the singers that make me feel happy (Hello Adele!)

I know that I love to read, so I am going to blow a hole through the BBC's liste of books to read before I die. I love Europe, so I am saving to go. I love my new wrap pants so I am going to own tons of pairs and wear them to Wal-Mart if I want to.   I am just going to be happy being me. And I am! Oh am I! I was sitting in my moms abnormally large bathtub about two weeks ago (Something I generally don't do, I have a problem with bathtubs). And I was reading a book. And I looked up in the mirror and I just stared at myself. and I realized the things that I hated so much before about myself. I have embraced, and love. Of course there are things that I am improving and refining (hello 30 pounds lighter!) but,  I just love me!

So watch out world. Julia is back, new and improved. A brand new regeneration. And I've got my sassy pants on!