Family

Families are strange things, they are forever changing, morphing. One moment you have one sibling with his massive forehead and silly grin and next you have five little siblings. You get to wake up to the sound of little girls giggle and singing Justin Bieber songs. You get to watch your little silly brothers grow up, stop running around with their fingers up their noses, and start running around with cell phones, texting girls, and growing up so very fast. I'm going to College soon, so forgive me for being so emotional.

I recently went to dinner with Matthew and some of his family and it made me realize the importance of family. How joyful life is when you can hear little kids running around playing, and you are able to surround yourself with the people who you love the most. Family is there for you through thick and thin (literally and metaphorically speaking). They love you when everything is falling apart, when you are patching it up, and even when everything is fine. They are the ones who can poke fun at you, and give you the biggest hug and make you feel safe all at the same time.

But, there is a family out there, bigger than the one in my house, bigger than the people I am related too. A family I have recently felt very grateful and so abundantly blessed by. I have grown up with my dear friend Emily, and after a recent visit I realized how blessed I am. I wish I could list everyone who I consider part of my family, people who have pieces of my heart. How grateful I am for them, how amazingly beautiful my family is! I have friends who are willing to listen to me talking endlessly, and somewhat nonsensically at two in the morning. friends who are willing to deal with my snorting when I laugh, and the endless pranks we play. I have friends who have touched my life, and helped me through some of the hardest times in my life. How big my family is! How much I love those who are in it, and those who have left an imprint in my life! I wish I could express my love for them. I wish I could express how much I love my family, immediate and adopted! Thank you! Thank you for letting me be apart of your life! Thank you for loving me, thank you for letting me love you! Thank you for all you have taught me!

I'm Sorry Cookies

I don't believe in them.

I feel like the only way to make a difference is to truly show you've changed. I guess I have a problem, I don't forget easily what people have done to me. I know what its like to be the one hurting people, just because you can. And I have had Karma Slap me in the face multiple times, and teach me that the way you treat people can change how they see the world. I have been treated badly, and I have been change because of it. Until very recently, I had never thought of these moments as an opportunity to learn and grow (many thanks to Lisa for teaching me this lesson). So now I look at life a bit differently. It wasn't okay the way I was treated, but I WAS treated that way, and the only way that I will gain anything but hurt from it is to realize that it was an opportunity for me to grow.

So this leads me to a question... Is it okay to stand by and watch people hurt others?

I don't think so. I am protective, Very Very protective of my friends, and family. I don't want people to ever have to experience the hurt that I felt when I was alienated from others. But... I am starting to wonder if it is really better just to make cookies and pretend nothing ever happened. Maybe keeping the peace is better.

On a completely different note: I got a job! woohoo! This means I may be able to eat in college!

The Future Van Gogh

disclaimer: I really am not an artist, nor will I ever be!

I really love making food. I love making dinner and I LOVE the art ( thats why I am a future Van Gogh!) of it. I love thinking up new recipes and hoping they work. I love the whole idea. I try to never follow recipes, I love just seeing what I can create. I have made a plethora of foods in my life. Blue Pasta, Pink Mashed Potatoes and Gravy, Random sauces, and about fifteen thousand different sauces and oil mixtures for pasta. I love knowing that what I just created, was mine, and while there are other things out there like it, no one has ever made it just like I did. I really don't enjoy eating what I make though. So, its a win win for me because I don't gain the calories from all the fat, but I get the enjoyment, and a little bit of the taste. I love it, anytime you want something new, give me a call, I always feel in my element.

Our dance theme for this month is eighty's and I got the "opportunity" to help plan! My friend Nick and I made the coolest pac-man set for the wall, it is LEGIT!! And we really are working hard! Its our last dance we are ever going to plan, so we are hoping its the best!!

Off to life I suppose. Sadly English homework doesn't do itself, sigh!! 34 school days 'till graduation!!

Nineteenth Century

Most of the time I know that I was born in the right century. I have a list of about two hundred things that I can't live with out

1. Toilets -I'm sorry, but it has to be said, as much as I want to not be able to flush...Ew I can't even use porta-potties

2. Jeans - Honestly I can't even contemplate wearing fifteen billion layers. Give me jeans any day

3. Sweats -The only thing I love more then jeans. I love comfort

4. Modern Medicine - I just KNOW that I wouldn't have lasted I would have gotten some rare unknown disease.

5. Diet Pepsi - Honestly how man ever existed before it is a complete mystery to me.

Ha the list goes on and on about what I love about our day in age, and yet I find myself constantly escaping into the worlds of the Bronte's and Austen.

How I love the whole concept. Proper behavior, curtsies, and courtships. I suppose I am just a sucker for a good love story. And how perfect do they seem in romancing one another

"You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged; but one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever"

Sigh how can people not get goosebumps!? Oh how I love literature. It makes me long for days gone by, and to create my own perfect story so that I can laugh at the petty love of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth (not that I think I will ever be able to, because honestly I love it). I am a sucker for love, somedays I long to, don a dress, jump in a carriage and ride off into the sunset with my very own Fitzwilliam Darcy. Then I have to come back to the real world, and remember that we don't ride in Carriages anymore, and that the only time I will be ever in a dress with a guy, is at the various school dances, which do not have the same appeal as a ball (but at least I get to go with a fantastic guy).

But now I must apologize my dear readers. For my mind has been altered considerably over the course of the last hour. I have watched a film, the likes of which I hold in the highest esteem. Bear with the imaginings of my heart.

Off into the sunset I ride, waving a handkerchief at my darling Mama. My gown, is the finest I could acquire , and the man at my side, the one who has bewitched me, body and soul. He loves me and I he. We shall live together at his estate. Forever loving and enjoying one another's company.

"They walked on, without knowing in what direction. There was too much to be thought, and felt, and said, for attention to any other objects".

Ditching Walla Walla

I got myself out of Walla Walla this weekend, and headed to Utah! Visiting my future home. It's crazy, I have never felt a real connection to Utah, I honestly have a problem with it, but now its going to be home, so I am trying to soak it all it. Let me tell you there are way to many Mormon's here. I mean, I walk down the street and you see Mormon mothers with their four dozen children and my goodness is it crazy! I suppose I will have get use to it (or find and hang out with my Jews). I like it on the other hand, I like seeing dumb Mormon silly things. I have found a couple I really like:

Daily Bread Food Storage

Church. Caffeinated. (None Mormon but only found in Utah)

Less is Mormon

I just thought those were funny. I also have decided that people in Utah Valley are way to worried about their appearance All the way down from Brigham City to Provo and beyond there are a plethora of signs all about changing how one looks. At first I thought it was funny, but now I think it's sad. Why are people so worried about looking the same way they did at fourteen? Maybe I am too young to understand, but I think that its sad.

I got the opportunistic to go to General Conference yesterday. It was fantastic. I love the spirit that radiates in the Conference Center. What amazing men and women we have in charge of our church. What a lucky generation and people we are. Thank heavens for their faith and truth, what example's they are to me.

Today we are down to exactly two months until graduation. I am super excited!! I am apparently way too excited, but if it helps I am also nervous beyond belief.

I am also a month away from going to Wicked! I am so excited! Its the one play I have always wanted to see it, and now I am going!! Yay!! ahh so excited!

I really do love the church. I think its amazing. I love the Latter Day Saints, I am not really against them ( I am part of them so i better like them), but I just really love making fun of Utah....

Okay time for General Conference

Ever feel like someone else is laughing at you?

Well, this week I decided there is someone, because honestly, its been crazy. In the last week I have Had the Stomach flu, been to the hospital to find out why I was hurting (yay for science and medicine), I have had fevers, been unable to sleep due to a cold and then my body just decided it hated me, and gave up forever... Ha and that was by Tuesday (luckily my cold was nearly gone)... Sometime I wonder, why. In any case my week has consisted of tons of sleep and concoctions of medications.

Tuesday was just about the coolest day ever too. I got to watch our local Orthopedic Surgeon (Dr. Wilwand) perform and A.C.L and Rotator Cuff Surgery. It was honestly the most amazing experience ever. I loved the entire process. I have watched a fair share of arthroscopic surgeries on YouTube (Yes I may have a slightly sick obsession), but seeing it actually being done by not only someone I knew, but actually being in the room, was awesome. Made my life. I wish I could properly explain the excitement I felt. You know how some people get a total rush from running (the crazy-o's)? Well I have never felt that before, but I have a feeling it was nearly how I felt watching surgery. It was so cool watching someone get fixed, and knowing what was going on. I want to be able to do that! I was so energized and ready I wanted to just know what was going on just so I could do it (lucky for the patient I don't think I would have been allowed :P). I truly think Medicine is where I want to be. I have never felt so energized and wanting to know everything going on and being so engaged in something for so long, ever! I guess the next thousand years of school will be worth it if I enjoy that as much as I did yesterday.

Saturday was Sadies! It was so much fun! I love going to dances (not the actual dance). I have been blessed with some really great friends, and I can honestly say there is never a dull moment with my friends! From Chubby Bunny (J won with 21 marshmallow's), to wondering if we were going to get arrested for having a fire in town I had a blast! I am so grateful for all the parents who let us use there house's (and decorated absolutely adorably). It was a fun night... Now I have to start thinking about Prom!

I have officially deemed March, March Madness, and I am not talking about Basketball. Every March I hit the annoyed with everything around me, this year later than last. I am so tired of cold winterness (Not a word I know!) and all I dream about is shorts and swimming pools (not to mention Cool Diet Pepsi or Lemonade, in a glass, sitting next to me as I read in my A/C house)And WATERMELON! I really love watermelon, and feel like the summer doesn't truly start until I take a bit out of the best watermelon ever (as it always seems like it is after winter fruits). I have decided to beat the Madness this year though. I refuse to want to strangle everything, from the book i'm reading to the dishes I have to wash. and instead focus on the good (like the fact that everyday gets me closer to the perfect watermelon, and the sun, and Wicked, and GRAD!!). Thank heavens for April, I may make it.... Maybe...

Maybe I am doing something right!

just a tiny update! today I weighed myself, I am down 5 pounds! Small step but I am super excited! Keeps me going! Only a billion left to go... haha

Oh Happy Day!

Obviously I think a lot about money lately, what do you expect out of a nearly college student though? ( I am counting, and we are extremely close to grad!) . I am looking for a summer job (seemingly fruitlessly, I just DO NOT want to do fast food), and I am pinching every penny, all of the sudden a two dollar soda feels like two dollars that should be spent somewhere else, like my nearly empty college fund. So Scholarships have become increasingly important, and believe me I have filled out quiet a few! It seems futile to fill them out, I just felt like I was never getting a response, BUT Wonder of wonder Miracle of Miracle! I have officially gotten a scholarship that is to last for the next for years, if I do 15 hours of community service, for half of my tuition atBYU!! I am, to say the least ECSTATIC!! While its only about $2,280 a year, its half of my tuition, and maybe, just maybe I will be getting out of my first four years of college without debt ( then next bagillion are another question, curse you Med School!) So YAY!! Maybe the 268 hours of community service in my high school career ARE paying off!!

I recently decided that my weight was an issue. Well okay no, its always been an issue but generally I just felt like all my attempts where futile, and then when I was sick this last Sunday I was watching Infomercials (if you ever want one good reason to go to church, its there is no good T.V. on Sunday). P90-x's commercial came on, and BAM I was just inspired, if I hadn't spent the day puking I probably would have gotten up and starting doing push ups. I had to have the system... Sadly I didn't have all the equipment/ the system to start. Luckily Matt had it, and very graciously offered to let me use it (Thanks to his mother too for letting me invade their house everyday!). Phew!! can I tell you! The first day I thought I was going to die, I honestly don't think I have sweat that much... Ever! I was so dead tired! But then an odd thing happened, I got super energized that night! I thought I was going to explode how much energy I had! I jumped on my trampoline for nearly an hour just trying to get rid of some of the extra energy. By Wednesday though, my body hurt, everywhere. I couldn't stand, sit, or barely move without feeling like I was going to just fall into a million pieces. Mercifully the guy behind the system, knew that I was going to die, and we did yoga Thursday, and I feel great!! everything got so stretched and zen (by Wednesday I was just ready to quit, I know I am a hard worker). It totally helped me refocus! I have a little problem with the guy I think his name is Tony, he is super egotistical, but you know, maybe he has a right to be his system is godly! I am down nearly four pounds.... In a week.

My life is going crazy. I am feeling so good ( Thank you P90-x) and I am generally happy! I love the feeling of happy, makes everything feel right. Even hard situations aren't as bad as I sometimes feel like they are. Silver-lining I guess, or that we finally have the SUN!! I am soaking in the vitamin d and so joyful about it!I don't know how people couldn't be happy right now. I know there is toil and strife in the world. Sometimes life is hard, so very hard. I guess in those moments I remember the words of a wise old turtle

Yesterday is history, tomorrows a mystery, today's a gift thats why its called the present!

Maybe its just because I am happy to have the Gospel in my life. sometimes when I feel like I have no capability to go on, like everything I do is wrong, I remember my Saviour oh how I love him!

Oh Happy Day!!

... I have to pay WHAT?

I guess I eventually had to grow up. But I really didn't want to.... Being an almost adult, kinda really sucks. When I was a kid I had about five things I really ever "worried" about:
1. What's for dinner?
2. Can my friend come over?
3. Why is Justin being Dumb?
4. Would my mom let me watch tv?
5. What book was I going to get at the library?

... I wish I could say that by Eight my list had changed much, but it hadn't, but by middle school it changed to:
1. Did anybody like me?
2. Why was Fish (My Nemesis, long story...)being rude?
3. Did I have Math homework?
4. What was for dinner?
5. What book was I getting when I went to the library?

Sigh... I loved Middle School, and then the biggest and most difficult change of all High School occurred, and with it a whole new set of question
1. Did I really have to go?
2. Did anyone like me?
3. Did I have to do my math Homework?
4. What was for dinner?
5. What book was I getting when I went to the library?

So, as you can see up to to extremely recently I was content in a little world, where I got everything I wanted, and everything was much more trivial. Then, I applied and got ACCEPTED too 5/5 of colleges I applied to. How absolutely over the moon I was! I had the whole world at my fingertips! I got to DECIDE!... Then I started reading, and my world that once only cared for money for the books it bought me, and the occasional ice cream, change.
16,000
20,000!
30,000!!
Who had this type of money lying around? Who wanted me to pay it!? Where they crazy!? I need four more years maybe? AHHHHHHHHH
Thank Heaven for BYU!!
My world suddenly started to change, money really was important! It made you go. It gave you dinner, and a house, and clothes, and Diet Pepsi! And suddenly I didn't have as much as I wanted... needed...etc... So I devised a brilliant bank scheme, that would make me billions... Then I remembered prison, and left that idea in the dark....

I have to get a job.
The End...



Okay Not really the end, I actually had a reason for the previous rant... So I have become money conscious, I notice literally every dime nickel and penny I spend, and second guess everything I spend wondering if I should just save it so I don't really just live of Ramen in college



Yummy Ramen...
So I went to the gas station today. Last time I went gas cost $3.37, which I thought was a high but, you know... I had to drive. So today I drove into my neighborhood friendly Tom Cheveron, and gas was $3.59. I nearly died. I was NOT going to spend NEARLY FOUR DOLLARS!!! For gas. no way wasn't happening, I am just going to walk everywhere from now on... Okay not really, I just decided to drive to our neighborhood friendly Milton-Freewater Shell station where it was a much more reasonable (ha) $3.57 and they pumped it for me...

Sigh... Growing up... Darn you and your cost.

How life changes. How joyous and sorrowful it can be. How funny and how disheartening. How worth the ride and the journey to get the moments of happiness. The end goal is so fantastic, and the journey begins, at least for me, with Gas. :)

My Best Friend...S...

I have had a plethora of people come in and out of my life. Having lived in so many places, I have acquired many different relationships with people. Some good, some bad. So many different relationships, some that were brief moments, some that have lasted much longer then I would have ever expected. Many stand out to me, so many great people. But today I have two special people in mind.
First. My dearest Emily Lou, as I have and will always call her. She and I have been friends for about five years, and her joy and light have illuminated my life for so long. She has changed my view on friendships, and has helped me see the true power of a souls being bound to one another. She has protected me when I was feeling vulnerable, and I like to think that I have too. She has taught me a new love for sugar. Not just in the candy form ( although milky ways will always make me giggle), but also in the icing sugar form. I never would have thought to dip my finger in a new icing container (Never to "scoop" only to spread, believe me it is a very precise thing with her). And honestly I never would have thought that someone really loved sugar so much that she would eat it off the spoon from the bucket of sugar, oh! How I love her. She is my closest girl friend, and she makes me smile all the time. Our friendship is not based upon convenience, we truly have cultivated a friendship based upon how different we are. We always say there is no way we ever could have become friends, and yet we are. How I love her truly

My other friend I met in a completely different way. He and I never would have been friends if it hadn't been for an odd train of events... The first time I ever talked to him, he doesn't remember. I told him that I was going to marry him because of his last name... It was a slightly embarrassing moment in my life, but what do you expect? When I get uncomfortable, I start making awkward small talk, and I was in
a. A seminary class
b. I didn't know anybody in there really
and
c. Well... I am just an awkward person?
Anyway, after that I somewhat avoided Matthew, I didn't want to explain, my ridiculous nature, but hey... That who I am.
Eventually we made friends obviously, and he has become special to me. He is willing regardless of the time, or day, or what's going on. He is willing to just say to me, I'm here tell me, or I'm sorry I can't change the situation, but just know I am always there for you. How thankful I am to have him in my life. After a hard adjustment to living in our small town, I am glad that I finally have the ability to have someone to talk to at every turn. He never sees how much of a difference it makes to me that he listens, to all I have to say, even though it is really a lot... Poor guy... I am so grateful to have him.

So many amazing people have been in and out of my life, so many that it seems nearly impossible to thank them all for all they do. My life has been filled with joy and love by people who have helped shape who I am today. How grateful am I for their influence. I have truly been blessed.

"I Can Tell That We Are Going To Be Friends"

Ode To Utah

Okay I can't really write an ode but I felt like it was a good title. Poetry and I do not get along, but for the sake of entertainment I have written a poem, one that I feel will touch the hearts of millions someday (After I am dead naturally), and my family will make billions off of.

Ode To Utah (Cue Dramatic Drums)
Oh Utah, how I use to despise thee
Your lack of an ocean and your water with which my tummy doesn't agree
Your people who sometimes make me want to scream, "I want to get away from thee!!"
Your hot, then your cold, and you have something Against Pepsi
Your drivers do now know how to signal which often send me on my knees to plea
Hoping that from them you will save me;
Often I have been heard to say, Utah is the last place my head will lie.
But then all at once, my opinion did change, I love thee
For Alas BYU has answered my plea
And for four years I will reside in thee
And how happy and full of glee, I will be
When In my dorm, in BYU I will be
Drinking a Pepsi, and laughing at thee.

Okay now that that's out of my system, I cannot believe I am going to BYU! If you ask anyone who has known me since (well forever) I will have been heard to SCREAM I hate Utah!! I will NEVER GO TO BYU! But, now here I am going, and I couldn't be anymore excited!! I am so ecstatic! I just want to jump around and leap for joy! Its been hard, many of my friends weren't accepted, and it was sort of a bittersweet moment. On the one hand, I was so excited and it felt so right! I have never felt so right about a decision, but on the other had my heart went out for those who didn't get in, who had wanted to more then me.
So off to Utah I go, come August. I am more ecstatic then ever, and I cant wait!Now I just have to make it through the rest of high school, alive...

When life starts racing around you!

What a month January was!! It seems like life is racing full speed ahead of me, and continues to ignore my complete request to slow down. Rapidly the decisions I have been avoiding making are staring me square in the face. It makes me want to possibly turn and run in the opposite direction.
It's weird, as we near graduation I feel relationships changing. Some people I have been close to have started to fall slowly away, and others have gotten every closer. Its daunting realizing that I am going to go to Minnesota, so far away, from everyone I know, alone. It has helped me learn more about being easier going, and trying to get along with people... I have to be when I am all alone.
I have got to get a job, or heaven help me I wont know what to do!! I have to pay for college, and it is seeming nearly impossible for me to get a job... Sigh....
College sadly won't pay for itself... I wish

Oh life...

My friend... M, shes having a bad time right now. Poor girl, sometimes High School is a little too hard, and a little too mean for even the most amazing of people.
It is interesting, anyone who knows the relationship between her and I find it so odd how much I am bothered by the petty high school drama that is hurting her.
M is amazing. She is a genius, such a good person, and she just has the cutest nose ( I really do love it). Girls are sometimes just a little to harsh, a little too mean. I hate watching her feel so... Hurt and being unable to do anything about it.

I hate lying. I really do. I have made it a goal in my life that I will lie as little as possible, I will tell you what I think if you ask, and I honestly have no issue. I will be delicate, but I won't lie. Granted I can think of three lies I have said in the last week.
1. Yes I washed all my clothes ( Honestly I still had some to wash, but someone needed the washer)
2. No it wasn't me (It was, I feel bad)
3. I don't know (I did know, it just wasn't my place to tell)
Anyways, lying always just makes things worst, don't like, the end...

Okay happy happy joy I GOT INTO MINNESOTA!!!! I am so absolutely and completely amazingly excited beyond measure. I am hopefully doing a double major in Biology and Chemistry, and a minor in Music. I am going to basically working my tail off for the next eternity... And I am soo soo soo!!!! Excited.Granted my life is changing rapidly, but luckily I have a best friend who is always just one free flight away (gotta love friends with a dad who is a pilot), another best friend who is thankfully only a text or call away (believe me we do a lot!! At least when we aren't together), and I have families willing to take me for holidays if I need it.

Soon everything will change, and I am just trying to enjoy every moment until then. There is always something beautiful in a day, in life, and I am out to experience true happiness in ever single moment. A kiss from a two year old, A cuddle from the crying sibling, the dental hygienist who is just a little to happy. A person who is willing to keep you sane, a hug from a person who you trust with your life, and the smell of freshly baked Ghirardelli chocolate chip cookies (honestly the smell is amazing, the taste is honestly what I am sure Heaven tastes like). Ahh The joys in life that are sometimes hard to see, can make everything seem better!