Wait... It's over?

I suppose eventually my favorite time of year had to end... right?
Well to be honest, I dint want it to... At all, but with it there are a slew of good memories:
1. vuvuzela- My dad and I both got them for Christmas, and we have had way WAY to much fun using them
2. New TV - Finally! We have entered into the 21st Century! The clarity... Well let's just say Psych looks so much better in HD! Plus we watched Inception as a family (well sort of the little kids got to watch Barbie).
3. Monopoly - Our family has started to play Monopoly with a vengeance (every single day!) So we got 2 versions, Spiderman (who doesn't love Spidy?) and Revolution. Revolution is so great! Credit Cards!! the joy!! the pain!! the lack of Cheating (well sort of) Who doesn't love it!?
4. Dinner-- So great, we didn't even start cooking until like 10 (we forgot to turn on the oven) We just ate, and ate, and talked ,and ate, and ate, and ate, and then talked. It was a great event.
5. The shining joy on the little kids faces as they pulled out their new toys.
6. Justin- His face when he say the plastic sword I bought him, I swear I have never seen a happier face... Ever... Got to love fifteen year-olds
7. Family - I love them with all my heart, I love a time when we can focus on being a family, laughing and playing, just having a good time

Sigh it really is the most wonderful time of the year, after the stress of buying presents and Wal-Mart (honestly I didn't even know that so many people could pack into one store... We had to park in the boondocks boondocks... Never again will I go to the store a week before Christmas). I love the feeling of stuffed tummies, perfectly made turkey, and family togetherness, what could be any better?

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas, filled with joy and stuffied tummies.

Hulia

Moments that make me smile

Three things that make me slightly insane:

1. At nearly eighteen if I am holding the hand of a two year old, people in the mall give me dirty looks. SHE ISN'T MY DAUGHTER!! I have learned to never EVER look old women in the eye or else, they give me the "you stupid teen mom" look... Sigh...
2. Screaming two year olds in the mall... Haha what is more fun then realizing that no its not the unfortunate family next to you who is trying to catch the two year old who has decided to flee the store, with a pair of socks screaming bloody murder on the top of her lungs, its actually you, and yes you get to track down the child before she hurts herself, or passes out because honestly no one should EVER be able to let out so much noise for that long without dying from lack of oxygen.
3. The mall at Christmas time... Way to many people, moving WAY to slow, lugging around WAY to many small screaming two year olds (see item two).

Is it wrong that I understand why mothers strap their children in strollers and then shove said children's pacifiers in their mouths (if not for any other reason, just so they know that their children are still alive and not running screaming with a pair of socks)?

Now Three things I love:
1. Spending a day with screaming two year olds, but surrounded by my family Trying to pick out the perfect gift for loved ones. The feeling of Christmas and giving.
2. The laughter of a two year as my siblings tickle her, and hold her and play hide and go seek (although between a poor ladies legs, it was still cute). Having a sister grab your hand and say she loves you, and a nice big hug from a two year old as you make it to the bathroom on time, so there isn't ANOTHER accident.
3. Finding that thing that has been on your mind for such a long time, and you were worrying about, and then NOT Feeling guilty when you try it on, and while your supposed to be shopping for someone else realizing you have to buy it now, because when else is the sale going to be that good? AND! When else are you going to be able to find it in your size?


Hey who doesn't love Christmas, its the most wonderful time of the year right? And even if at the end of the day you wonder why exactly you went to the bathroom eight times with a two year old, how you ever made it through the mall without loosing one of the THREE THOUSAND (or six) other kids with you, and needing about twelve ibuprofen to feel better there is still an accomplished feeling when you realize hey you have great memories of family (and a two year old).

Christmas Cookies

I love Christmas, just saying.
It is the holiday in my mind, and as we get closer to the 25th my excitement grows.

I love hearing Christmas songs on the radio, and the feeling of peace and the Christmasy ( Lisa I know "Christmasy isn't a word) atmosphere (even though its like 60 degrees here).

School is thankfully wrapping up, and most of my seemingly evil teachers have somehow been touched with the Christmas spirit and AREN'T Giving us homework (excuse me while I have a happy dance moment).

Saturday a good friend of mine came over and made some sugar cookies with me, or should I say "Christmas Sugar Cookies" only once a year are sugar cookies so special, you know. It was a good day, I love baking the cookies, pouring love and joy into my cookie dough. I love having the Christmas Tunes blaring and hearing M playing with my siblings, and just feeling as peaceful as you can in my house. I love frosting the cookies and feeling creative as they come out perfectly ( I have found that ONLY at Christmas do my cookies turn out perfect ). I love biting into a cookie and for once not thinking about the fact that I just ate like 60 calories in that one bite. And I love having friends and family around to share with. I love having M around to help with dishes (I know he helps me wash dishes!), and most of all I just love the sugar rush you get from the combination of the frosting sugar and the one or two (or six) cookies you just devoured.
Sigh if only the feeling of Christmas could last ALL year, hey who WANTS to worry about Calories?!

I have finally found a craft that I feel good at, and is the only thing I can think about. Jewelry making. I LOVE IT! I feel at peace, and creative and I can do it for hours and hours and still feel like I want to do more. So far I have made a couple necklaces for myself, that are pretty basic, and I am starting to get more complicated, including dangles and earrings. I have made some cool looking stuff, and I am really loving it. It helps feed my soul, and now I don't have to spend all the money I do on jewelery... Maybe I can save for college now?!...Or just go shopping more... Tough decision huh?

Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

A very good friend of mine just got accepted to college, which is absolutely AWESOME(FYI), but it has also made me antsy, checking the mail, email, text messages, phone, and every other insane way they can find me, to see if I am ever going to get accepted ANYWHERE, sigh... The Community College is nice, but... No thank you... And once again I am feeling changes in my friendships
Another friend who at one time I would have called a best friend, is now slightly distanced from me. I feel like everyone is growing and changing, and because a lot of my friends are hoping to go to the same schools they have started to change in the same way, and that leaves me. I am not going to a BYU (at least right now... Ask me in five days and it may change, sigh), and because of that I am sort of the odd man out. While a lot of them talk about going to the Cremery, and swing dancing, and Heritage Halls, I am finding out about Minneapolis, where the Mall of America is, and learning the lay of the campus. It's been fun don't doubt me, I am ready for a new adventure, with new people, but right now it makes me somewhat sad to see, that the people who have been my "City of 3000" slowly drift away.

My last Christmas at home, as a child living in the house is here, and like always it comes with copious amount of Christmas music (Right now its O Come O Come Emmanuel), a beautiful tree, and a big family present under the tree ( mwhahaha I know what it is!). Chirstmas is one of my very favorite holidays of the year. I love a world celebrating Christ and his birth. I love hearing Silent Night on the radio ( now that I have gotten over my distaste for the song), I love listening to the Mormon Tab singing any song, and Christmas seems to be their forte ( no pun intended). I sometimes wish the feeling of Christ and the joy of the season could last all year round, but then I remember that if I had to here Jingle Bells all year, I may jingle someones bell... The baking starts soon though, and so does the wrapping present, and the candy canes (big ones on the tree this year, woohoo!!). I love Christmas, and the spirit it brings, this year I am trying to remember everything I have in my life that others don't. I am going to be thankful for the season and my family and the people I have around me who I love and who I am grateful for that I get to celebrate with. So to all who read. I love you and I am grateful for your presence in my life...

Make-up, Curling Irons, and Pretty Dresses.

Who doesn't love a good old fashion girly get together? What could be more fun then a bunch of teenage girls getting together, giggling, arguing, and making each other pretty?
I love doing make-up and making girls look pretty, haha it's the best, but after about five hours, even I cannot stand the perfumed, make-uped everything. I feel the need to either
a. Punch something
b. Play with a light saber
c. Run and hide
or
d. All of the above

When I am home, and I feel that way, I normally find a brother, and beat the tar out of them in an epic light saber war that normally ends up with a broken wall, window, birdcage, table, chair, washing machine or trampoline. Normally whatever is the closest at the time... Sigh good times.. Anyway, Last night I got to go to M's house (which was very fun) but by about five thirty, I was ready to do something rough and tough, thank heavens the W household is chocked full of boy things and I found a light saber, which kept me entertained enough that I didn't DIE of girly overload!
It was fun being with girls though, and they all looked absolutely GORGEOUS! by the end of the night. I am glad I finally have a group of girl friends again. It feels good having people to hang out with and to talk to and just be all together girly with. I am glad my senior year, I get the high school experiences the way it was to be experienced!

Petition for Peace

I hate people who say things hurtful, mean just because they can. Keep, your mouth shut. The evil that leaks from between your lips never helps, it always hurts, it is not Christlike, it is the example of Satan working in ones hearts. Things spread and eventually the person who its about hears about it and gets hurt. And sometimes, its about someone I love, and sometimes it makes me want to cry/ scream in rage.

My mother, astounds me. She raises six kids, two home schooled, one part time, and two in high school. She works as a daycare provider. She takes care of the bills, the kids, has three callings in church, and still has time to spend with each of her kids and love them. She is absolutely amazing, I love her so very very much. And yet, there are people out there with the tenacity to say mean, degrading and hurtful things about her. And they have made me, want to cry and makes me want to lash out in anger at them, because she is amazing, great, the very best woman I have ever and will ever have had the privilege to meet.

I know that who I am as a person, I am not always the nicest, the best, or the kindest.I sit here wondering, what have I done to people. I have seen my mother hurt, I have seen her upset, and I wonder how many people have I done that too? How many mothers have I degraded because they make me mad. I can name three off the top of my head. How many girls have I done that too also? How many little shots have a taken at people, just to get my selfish desires. How shallow, how unChristlike could I be?

I guess, it's a humbling experience to realize and hard for me to reconcile, but I am going to attempt to be nicer, be peaceful. It's not easy but it is needed in our world.

Library books, agency, and a couple of giggles

Sigh, there is nothing more humbling I think then realizing that you don't have a car to return books to the library, buy a baby shower gift, or go visit someone you would like to see. Very rarely in my life has my family had to wonder about these questions, we nearly always have a working car. but not now... In a world as mobile as our, we are immobile, unless we do the dreaded and hop on a bike (woohoo who doesn't love biking? ICK). I know I sound absolutely spoiled, yes I can hop on my bike for my diet coke, and thank heavens we don't live out in the boondocks.WE can walk to church, ride to the stores, and sports are all near our house. I wish though that my poor mother could get out of the house, at least I have school to go too... I shouldn't whine, when we have so much in our life, we are in the top 5% of well of people in the world right? How spoiled and small minded. I sometimes just get so wrapped up in my little world where things seem to like to go wrong, that I forget things. I just need to take a swallow of Ghana. Remember watching little kids eat dirt and listening to a taxi driver talk about how he wondered if we was going to eat that day (although unlike me he had a car, but that's besides the point).
I have so much I just need to remember sometimes...

Agency. I thank God for it, but sometimes it makes me crazy. When people don't use it the right way... How many times are people affected by people using their agency the wrong way? Ever heard of murderers? rapist? crazies? Their agency ruins other peoples life... And yet, without it where would we be? Sigh, its a difficult road huh?

And a couple of giggles. This weekend I got to have some girls over (which is a new thing for me, having more then one girl friend). It was fun, different. WE spent the better part of an hour on the floor hugging M because she just looked like she need a group hug, and made up a great song about her. Walking through Wal-Mart with a bunch of girls was a new experience, and quiet entertaining. I do quiet enjoy it, I am glad that I at least get one year of high school the way it should be...

And on a final note Single Dad Laughing a blogger mentioned to me by a friend, is the single best guy ever. If you ever have a chance read his post called Worthless Women, it touched me in a way other posts haven't for a while

Temple trips, Diet coke, and an absolutely true story

A friend of mine recently told me that there are two people in the world, Ones who like Julia and Those who don't, there is no in between. After thinking long and hard about it, I decided that, hey, at least there is someone out there who DOES like me. And then, after a very amazing temple trip (goodness who doesn't love the temple?), and a great conversation with a woman that is near and dear to my heart, I like who I am, and anyone who doesn't can go along in their cookie cutter ways...

But more about this woman I absolutely LOVE. She helps me remember that there are more then just crazies out there in the world, and that my Diet Pepsi, heathen ways are okay! What would I do without her Diet Coke sipping(hey its like republican vs. democrat, some like Pepsi, others Coke), crazy Greek, and educated ways!? Sometimes, when I want to close my blinds, and hide for about twenty years, I remember there is always someone with Diet Coke and a good laugh, and I am ready to face the crazies. Sometimes I wish I was Will Smith on "I Am Legend", the crazies on that show, sometimes seem more friendly. Not that life is all a drag, most of the time I can find happiness in the little things; a good friend bringing me Pepsi, or not having Math homework! But on days when it's hard I know that there is a lady ready to laugh with me while watching Glee(or other various "worldly" show), and drinking our various caffeinated beverages.

One quarter of Senior Year is done, and as I get closer to graduation (There is still so much time!!), I find that I am more willing to say No, and be who I am, regardless of who is asking... Like right now I am saying no to my english book that is sitting next to me DEMANDING, I read it... But I would rather blabber aimlessly on my blog (WE all know I will do it, I can't risk my GPA dropping). But beyond Math, I am saying no to things that stress me too much, no to people who cause way to much drama little mama, and no to things that make me unhappy.

Today, beyond the spiritual lifting the temple gave me that I most definitely needed, I feel myself mentally lifted as well. I suppose while people don't always like who I am, I still have people who do love me, Not only my mother, father, and brother, but women like my Diet Coke drinker, special people who deal with me even in the worst moods, and text me quiet a bit, and I love them for that. So thank you to those who make my life enjoyable, and caffeinated!

Math

Math may just end up being the the bane of my existence. I absolutely abhor it, why can't it just make sense and not be so ridiculous?! And Why oh Why am I going into a science that requires the cursed concept? (Okay I know why but that isn't helpful). Sometimes I consider just not having a career so that I don't have to do anything higher then simple arithmetic... And then I laugh, and remember why I could never do that... I would go stir crazy.
Applications are in to a number of schools, including the one I want to go to the most, Minnesota. Don't ask me why, I want it so badly but every time I even hear the name Minnesota, or anything to do with it I get goosebumps and tingles I want to be there SO bad. Why Minnesota? The Mayo Clinic, I want to help with research, it would be amazing,absolutely enthralling. Why else? Well Haha How many miles from Walla Walla is St.Paul/ Minneapolis? approximately 1546.29 miles... Not that I map-quested it or anything... Close enough to come home for Christmas, far enough away that I think I can get away from the craziness!
My very last Wa-Hi football game was Friday, I don't know if I wanted to laugh, or cry! I will never ever march for a half-time show again, unless I decide to do Minnesota's marching band. A wave of emotions hit for sure, but I am yet to figure out if they were sad or happy... I'll Keep you posted...

Shall I compare thee??

"Shall I compare thee to a summers day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate;
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summers lease has far to short a date.
Sometimes to bright the eyes from shine,
And often is his golden complexion dimm'd.
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or natures changing course undtrimm'd
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owe'st
Nor shall death brag thou wanders't in his shade
When in eternal lines in time thou grows't
So long as men can breath, and eyes can see
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee"

PHEWW!!! I never ever ever thought I was going to memorize that dang poem, than haven and earth I did. Senior English may just kill me. how I wish I could say "Hell No" To it, but alas, I cannot. If one cannot comprehend, my speech patters have been afflicted by the demon that we call sonnets. Sigh. How I long for the days when Shakespeare was fun and not a burden thrust upon seniors to possible kill them...

Halloween is here, a holiday that i both love, and absolutely despise... Who doesn't love random strangers giving them candy (Hey I am pretty sure that unless it is out of a white van, peddled by a rather strange, creepy, possible axe murderer, one is generally safe). But on the other hand it means that everyone I know can take all of there anger and pent up frustration out on me in, evil, creepy, strange, possibly axe murderer ways. Not only do other people think its funny to, sit outside my door and try to scare my soul out of my body, but also they get to sit in my window until I walk by and my heart stops, or DRAG me UNWILLINGLY into a creepy corn maze, just so they can have other people scare me... And then to top it off they sit me down and make me watch a scary movie that not only makes me sure I am going to get attacked, kidnapped, raped and killed (in that order), but also sure that there are creepy people under my bed... Okay maybe I really do HATE the holiday, why can't we have a nice, fun NON-SCARY holiday? Like you know... Easter... Sigh, this year I am going as a pink bubble wrap princess, it is quite a cute costume, if I do say so myself, which I do. Ha ha complete with polka dots, it is amazing! See? Happy, none evil, good for giving out bubble gum or hugs PRINCESS not a dark princess not a demon princess just a happy joyful happy pretty princess! Like Easter... Sigh... thank heavens its only one day of the year and then I can focus on nice happy holidays, like Thanksgiving, and Christmas.. and Forget for three hundred and sixty five days the evil that befalls me every All Hallows Eve...

Senior Power!

Well, I guess it was bound to happen someday, senior year. It makes me crazy realizing that I am almost done with high school!! Woohoo!! Constantly with high school I can say "this is the last time I... (insert activity here)." Half the time I spend pretending I still have years to go before I have to do silly things like, college, taxes, leaving my family (gulp!), etc. The time is starting to fly way to fast though.

It finally hit me that, yes, I am leaving my family, a day I never thought would come. Everyday the clock ticks down and with each move of the minute hand I loose moments with my sibling, my mother, my father, the people who mean so much to me. I cannot imagine sitting on the computer and not hear the sounds of Elizabeth crying for who knows what reason, Hannah Montana's theme song, a boy complaining about Hannah Montana, the noises I have grown to love, even when they drive me insane.

The other day we were all sitting around the living room, just talking my dad singing and dancing in the kitchen while cooking some of my very favorite African food, how many more days like that do I get? I don't know, honestly I am trying to forget.

I have slowly realized that I have become obsessive of my grades, beyond belief. My poor teachers have to deal with the constant "why did I get that grade, What can I do to make up the lost points, and the you cannot give me that grade!" I am trying hard to prepare for later when I have to be in charge of myself (heaven help me!!) but so far its just giving me a odd case of OCD, and a massive headache... Sigh, but on the good side, my grades are better then they have ever been, guess its paying off!

I suppose I should go finish my math... Sigh... Why did they create the concept? I don't know, I suppose only haven knows, because it seems like a useless comcept to me.. Especially Pre-Calculus

Oh!

Track has ended. Ap Chemistry is basically over... Band is almost over. The school year is almost over, and with it I feel strangely like it is taking part of my youth with it. I can feel it, the difference in me now, so much stronger then it ever was before. I am getting ready for my life after high school, constantly I think about whats next, what about later, will I use this later? I have major senioritis and I am still a junior.
Often I find my self longing for past days though. I long for the days that I could jump into our pool, even though it was green more often then not, and because of my bug phobia I had to clean it meticulous I still long for the carefree childhood. Perhaps I long for them because today felt unbearably hot to me ( a whole 80 degrees), and a swimming pool is all I can think about.
Life is changing and evolving before my eyes. Relationships are changing, people are changing, minds our changing. As human beings I suppose it is in our nature to change, but yet some days I long to be little and crawl up on my mothers lap in the blue rocker we had for so long, and fall asleep as my mom tries futile to get my mane of hair out of her face. But on the other side, I long for the day when I decided what I eat for dinner and I get to clean when I want. It is hard line, the wanting to stay a child, but wanting to grow up.

Willpower

I have never thought I had a "real" vivid imagination. I don't see images in my head the way I suppose others do. Rather I have vivid feelings, and I can hear things (wow now I sound psycho). What I mean is that I can feel the wind off the ocean, and i can taste the salt in the air, I can hear the crash of the waves on the shore, and the call of seagulls, but for the life of me, I can't see it. I want to see it, but I can't. But I have reconciled with myself. I am glad I can feel and taste, and hear, even if I am still blind. I very rarely get into dreams that just feel real. Probably because I am blind. I can always adjust thing, I am always in control. Its a curse, its a blessing.
Willpower, is extremely difficult for me. I don't like waiting, and I don't like not getting what I want. If I want a Pepsi, I want it now, not in five minutes, not in ten minutes now. I guess that is another one of my fatal flaws (along with Vanity). I have no patience. The Lord and I have been working on it for a long time. Sometimes I pray so hard for something, and I don't get what I want. I want to curse everything, I want to turn my back. Yet, somehow if I have the willpower to wait. Everything turns out fabulous in the end. For example Walla Walla.
I loved Gig Harbor, absolutely. I never wanted to leave. Why would I? I was in one of the best schools in Washington State. I had the best friends, and a great ward. I was with people I had gone to middle school, and I had a Target. Yet somehow the Lord knew that I needed to be in Walla Walla. I begged and pleaded, how could I leave everything I had worked for? So, I hated Walla Walla simply for existing. Life still went on, I just tried to live it as little as possible. I hated the town, the house, the people, the school, everything. I found no happiness anywhere. The Lord though, knew it was what I needed. I got good friends, people I truly enjoy, and someone I never thought I would find. I excepted at a young age that I was always to be the best friend. I was not what the average boy found pretty, I was just me. I accepted that, with a few broken hearts, and dashed dreams. At first Walla Walla seemed as though it would be the same. I was just the girl they turned to, for a movie night, or occasional just friends and never anything more dates. As always I accepted my fate and moved on, what more could I do? I still prayed, and I still got no at every turn. I watched as my friends had relationships that came and went, and yet I was still just the friend. I got lucky I suppose. Somehow someone did find me special. He, made me realize I could be more than just me. No one understands how truly he saved me. He made me realize I was worth being more then the best friend who is just there, always there. More then the girl who encourages her friends when she feels like she is dying inside. And for the first time in a long time, the Lord gave me a yes. A resounding yes. It hasn't been easy, and there are a fair share of problems. Yet every time I get frustrated, or worried. I can still feel the yes. I suppose I just got way off what I wanted to say. Willpower, the willpower to wait is the most excruciating and upsetting process ever, and yet I have learned that waiting is well worth it. My imagination, although limited has helped me through a lot. When I need to go to the beach just the ability to hear the sounds, or feel the water (wow I really do sound crazy! Oh well...) has helped me. And the ability to have willpower, with the help of an imagination, will help anyone to get the resounding yes. The feeling of true happiness. Not a happily ever after, that doesn't come for a long time, but the happy you can have, even when there are still trials in your life, is well worth the wait.

Drama. lil' Momma

Sometimes being a girl rocks. Most of the time though, it is just hectic and ridiculous. There is so much to deal with. Boys, social pressure, emotions, and GIRLS. I have always been one to have a good girl friend and a ton of boy friends. I, will admit before I go into my lecture mode, that sometimes I am just as bad, but... regardless. Lets take girls A,C, K, M, and J. A and J get invited to go to M's house. J and M don't get along like the best of friends, but they are okay with each other. So M decides that she is going to invite C and K too. WHy not they are friends right? No because girls have issues. Let me introduce N, X. N doesn't like M, and they just don't do things. N had a relationship with M's sibling D, which didn't end well, and as part of the result M and N just stay away from each other. X is friends with C and K, but not with A, J, N,D (who isn't involved because he is a guy), or M. Back to my story. So C and K get mad because N and X aren't invited. Now this is where I get confused. N doesn't like M so why would it matter if she was invited? And X isn't friends with M so why should M invite X if they don't know each other, and they need a relationship? I don't know. C and K just seem a little to sensitive for my taste. When you ask C or K why it even matters K will give you a dirty look and say and I quote " It was on Facebook". Since when is Facebook, the supreme ruler of the the universe? If you have a problem with something someone writes on a wall, or puts as a status. Don't be friends with them. Look I just solved the whoooollle issue. I think that C, K, and M should just leave each other alone. But let me introduce a new problem. C, K, and M are the possy. The Possy moves together, and generally thinks together like a giant blob, or amoeba. So if 2/3rd of the possy gets mad the whole system falls apart. So the drama has to blow over, and... Well go into remission until someone else gets mad...
Sigh Drama is the downfall of life. Like the boys who sit at my lunch table say. I am moving to Hermitsville. Sometimes living in Walla Walla is much to stressful.
On a brighter note. My horrible Chem homework is over, and I just have a little amount left.

The Last Song.

I saw the last song today. I admit I bawled, I don't know what it is. Maybe it is the true love, maybe its the death. I love the idea, the finding someone you love. Sometimes I do believe I have. Its hard to know though? How can you plan for such a vast future?
Thank Heavens for my Young Women leader. I love her to death. She is an outside perspective. I get so stressed about everything, and I suppose that will be my downfall. I want to be perfect, but like Hanna Montana said " Nobody's perfect". Oh how I wish I was nobody! I am reading the Percy Jackson series right now. It is my escape from reality. It helps me to run away to a world, more complex, but with different problems than my own.
I don't know what else to say, it is probably annoying the constant updates, but then I remember, no one is reading this!! On to my chemistry, which isn't going to get all the way done before it is due. Oh well...

Just Tired

So, I finally started on my chemistry, wooohoo.... I have spent the last 2 and a half hours and yet I still feel like I am even more confused and have less done then I did when I started. Its frustrating to be average. I seem to get to tired now a days. My endless energy is running out. I feel older, I have never really said that before. I mean if I look back I feel it, but I feel like a different person then I was six months ago, even three months ago. My mind is constantly plagued with College, and how worried I am about everything.
Sometimes I feel like just, giving up. Every time I contemplate it I think about those whose who doubt me. Whenever I hear someone say "Oh you will be the first to be married" thats when I recommit. I may never be everything I want to be. Things I have always wanted, i don't want as much anymore, but on the opposite side, there are many things that I do want. For example for the first time, I want to get married. Before all I ever wanted was a career and to be independent. Family could wait. Now I find myself longing for a family. Not just a husband, but a family. I want to be able to sit down and have family home evening and scripture reading. I want to sit in a row at church and be able to look at my kids sleeping or coloring.
I haven't lost sight of some of my goals though. I want to be a doctor, and the vain side of me wants to make a ton of money. I want to be able to buy what I want, shop wherever I want, and go wherever I want. I use to want to be able to say, my children have never been to Wal-Mart. I now understand how, vain that was. I have always wanted to be better then people, I would say its my biggest sin. I have somewhat calmed down a bit, I don't mind Wal-Mart, I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with shopping there.
I have such defined ways of thinking, and I know exactly what I want. I always have. I think my way is the best way, always. I suppose that is also a flaw, but yet I find myself glad of it. It causes problems, I have a difficult time with people who don't do what I think is right. I really am always right. The End. And yet I find myself second guessing ever choice I make. I don't second guess what I say to others, and it sometimes makes things worse. I have this nasty ability to alienate myself, because of my honesty. I have a hard time liking people, I have friends and I like people, but at the same time I get overly annoyed. But I am deviating from what I was getting at. My distinct thinking. I feel bad for whoever marries me, honest. I want things done a certain way. I don't want to ever take trash out, and I want help with babies at night (preferably them taking total care of them). I would love someone who likes to cook sometimes, and someone who will do dishes with me. I want to be adored in all honesty, but I want to adore too. I don't want loud fights, I don't want fights at all. I want discussions. I am bad at that, I always just get loud I don't want to though.
Outside of marriage, I have so much to do. I don't want to fall into a mold, I don't want to be the perfect Mormon, I want to be individual. I am scared that someday I will realize that I will be everything I am scared of. I want to be able to take chances, I want to live my life. I want to travel, I want to go everywhere. The list of places gets longer and longer everyday. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to be at the end of my days and realize that I did something. Even if it is just travel.
Well, back to chemistry I suppose. I know no one is reading this but it makes me feel better

After this glorious spring break we just had, it is time to go back to school. My first day was like most first days after spring break. Useless. My Chemistry teacher, who I am sure is out to get me, gave us an additional 168 problems to do, Woohoo... That class makes me feel like I am drowning and on fire at the same time. The moment I almost understand something, he makes it harder, or we switch topics. It makes me question whether I really am good at anything. I never excel I just do okay. I always thought I was above average, super human. My parents always told me how good I did, how much I know. Now though, I am questioning. Take for example Net Ionic Equations, easy right? But all I can do is get started. It makes me stressed.
On another note. I have found something, a new hobby. I have started playing with photography. I have never been very good at drawing or anything, but I love messing with pictures. I think I have always seen things in the world different then other poeple, but now I have found a way to make it into art. I am working on a couple things from spring break. Some are shown on the sight, but I have a new one. posted above. It started as a picture of twigs in the snow, and somehow I morphed it. I don't know if I am any good... I love doing it though. I love seeing the final product from the original. I feel an artistic high almost.
well I suppose I should go do my Chemistry. It makes me miserable but I need it right?

A New Phase

Life changes. We all know that. As I come to my last quarter in my junior year in high school so much is changing.

What do I do now? I have almost completed all my senior year work, and yet the likelihood of me ever graduating with my High School is little to none.

Summer is coming. The last summer I will spend as a child. The second to last with my family, as a child living in the house. How daunting it is to me that I am starting on my rounds of lasts. My last year of girls camp. my last high school year. My last year at home. How did it all come about so soon? I can still remember my first day in public school. I can remember the butterflies I felt as I walked into Mrs. McCauskey's room. I remember the exact position of my desk sitting next to Mick, and across from Josh. I can remember my first day at Kopachuck Middle School as a sixth grader, I remember shadowing Hailey and sitting in Mrs. McCausland's math class next to Isabelle. I remember my First day of High School. Walking up to Charles Wright Academy and realizing I still had four years. And yet those years have passed so quick. Here I stand. Almost done. How did it happen so quick? I will never know.

New choices are ahead of me. How to live my life. How am I suppose to make these decisions? I am to young. I need another 10 years... Maybe 20.

College is first, how to decide where to go. There are so many to choose from, and yet... I feel like maybe I should play it safe... Maybe BYU is where I will go. I feel like maybe I have to. Maybe its just where I must go. But yet... How did I become this. The normal mormon kid. my whole life I spent saying, BYU? Never. Utah? Never. And yet I feel like maybe, just maybe that is what I am going to end up doing.

Other less important things are on my mind though. Normal, teenage things. Why do I get so upset when people don't do what is right, or rather what I think is right. Why do I get so picky about people, why can't we just get along? I remember when Tad use to say all the time. WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET ALONG!? I would just laugh and say, life sucks. Now though I ask the same thing. Why can't she and I get along. Why can't I just be good enough? Why? I suppose the answers will for now be unknown to me. Hopefully someday though, I will know.